Letter 1 - Orange Julius

Dear Mr. Julius,

For the 24 years I have been on this planet, I have been a staunch supporter of your product, the Orange Julius. I was particularly fond of its creamy yet simultaneously fruity texture. I am of course speaking about the original Orange Julius here; not one of the smoothies spawned in its shadow. For certain lesser products are bound to emerge and attempt to duplicate its grandeur. It's the logical progression of capitalism, and for it I do not fault you. However, I must take issue with a relatively new addition to the Orange Julius family.

I was on what I thought was going to be a pleasant trip to the mall today when I stopped to get an Orange Julius, as I have done so many countless times before. I noticed a sign that read for the fee of fifty cents I could “Nutrify” my Julius with a banana. So I paid the fifty extra cents and was quite taken aback when your employee proceeded to cut the banana in half.

I brought this to his attention and inquired as to what would become of the other half of my banana. He informed me that the Julii only receive half of a banana each. The sign clearly read a banana. Half of a banana is not a banana; a banana is a banana. I did not lash out at the young employee when he told me of this policy. However I did not appreciate him telling me to “take it easy.” I know how things work and I know that decisions come down from above. When you handed control of your operations over to the suits that made this decision you forgot to check for common decency during the preliminary hiring. I don't know what kind of moneymaking scheme they are plotting, but someone needs to bring it to your attention so that you may put a stop to it immediately. On the day that half a banana becomes a banana I will return to Orange Julius, but until that day, I say good day to you sir.


** The Dairy Queen Corporation responded with a five dollar gift card good at any one of their many locations. I bought a heath bar blizzard, it was delicious.

Please enjoy my other letters: General Mills - VH1